Thu, 19 May 2005

Repent Atlantis
It was a confusing time. An age of popes and anti-popes, of simony and indulgence, where power lay more in those who controlled the massive telecommunications network hosted at the holy see than in any “authenticated” papal decree, issues from bombproof clean rooms somewhere beneath Rome. Any reassurances we attempted to give as to the falsehood of any notions of the “end times” was lost both on the populace and on certain officials, who instituted an emergency drafting of young missionary students as deputized (for lack of a better word) priests, so as to better cover the earth with missionary zeal. It was during these times, already fraught with peril and terror, that the ruins of Atlantis were discovered by an Antarctic offshore drilling platform. In a panic, and understanding it would not be long before the collectors would disturb the bones, we were informed that in this time of emergency, it was possible to baptize the dead. This was not long after the official dissolution of limbo, and the question of the unbaptized was increasingly pertinent as crib deaths skyrocketed throughout the northern hemisphere, which led to the initial revision — as long as baptism was performed prior to last rites, it was considered, how do you say, fair cricket? The problem with this process was that none of us were properly equipped for deep sea work, and thus we decided (without consulting the church direct: even our secret dialup numbers were being flooded with pan-global tales of miracles and visions of the new god) that we would perform mass baptism via loudspeakers mounted onto our dragonfly helicopters, bought in bulk when the New Zealand government fell. The dopplering off the waves made us mostly ill, and as such we could barely run clear patterns over the assumed ruins (truth be told, we may well have been miles off; there was no way to tell without entering the ocean), but we completed the area just before we received the transmission: the first recognized alien landing had taken place just outside Milan, and the consensus was the aliens hadn’t yet found the god.

Members of the papacy had secretly believed the theories of Veliakovsky were potentially correct until, in 1931, stations in Hungary began receiving transmissions, our first from supposed “alien intelligence”; the following is an edited transcript of transmissions from that year.

(4.8.31) “Hailing all frequenciessss! Attenshion all kidssss! This is the high council of scientists from the planet Arcturussss! After lengthy deliberation we have come to the inescapable conclusion that your planet needs more fluoride! That is all!”

(5.14.31) “Warning! Calling all earth specimensssss! This is the high council of scientists from the planet Arcturusssss! Our most recent studies indicate that your debilitating polio epidemic can be squashed by use of radio waves, tin foil and pyramids! That is all!”

(7.1.31) “Here here, all employed citizens of earth! This is the high council os scientists from the planet Arcturussss! 9 out of 10 of us agree that the use of fedoras as breathing apparati is all that stands between you and your imminent doom! That and an increased intake of gum! That is all!”

It has been supposed that there were further transmissions of the like, but a Hungarian scientist inexplicably named Carl turned the radio to Juan the Jungle Scout’s Adventures in The Briny World Of The Pig-Dogs, blocking all further transmissions. It has been speculated that the church received news of these transmissions and has been in wait for the inevitable visitation ofg these aliens, preparing young people for exobiological missionary work through recent advances in pharmaceutical research and high-end technology, which can be traced to transmitters placed in children’s teeth in the early 70s as a tracking device which, through sugar damage, have become receivers for these transmissions. When we, the first wave of conversion experts, arrived at the landing site in order to speak to these creatures, we were informed they had only one request, bordering on demand: sugar. All the sugar their ships could hold. Our connections to refineries in South America once again paid off as we utilized our understanding of their culture as a means of explaing our faith while filing their ships with the white crystal, telling them of a piece of prime Terran real estate called Atlantis while explaining the ruler of this earth and of all things everywhere resided in a place called the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Attendence at Sunday services rose over three thousand percent.
(12:05.05.19.2005) [/alpha] #