Thu, 19 May 2005

There Is No Way Out Of The Woods
I know that you have told me a number of times the words I have chosen to use will confuse me as I cannot hold them I cannot make sense of them I can only recite them as though buried inside me hidden there by someone else when I wasn’t looking while I slept or while I fed myself on some other person’s hopes and dreams as though running past the words with my eyes would put that man’s life into mine as though reciting and considering and weighing each syllable might somehow lead me closer to something called wisdom but you laugh and laugh as this is the crooked path of people stapling tinfoil to the ceiling to keep the transmissions out of their heads pulling out teeth with pliers and bottling their feces and yet, I sputter, I stand and point to gather up your attention, I scream for fear you’ll never listen to me again if I cannot keep hold of your eyesight this last time and you’ll fall away forever, yet you still seem to believe these words are not mine, that worn spaces had been filled in with mediated poisons which had corroded away my personality and left me with nothing but catch-phrases I stole from eight-grade movies and YET you still seem to believe that I am nothing but my influences that there is only a negative potential sum to anything which comes into me that doesn’t come out of your mouth mumbled mantras in the flightless closet of your heart and you TELL ME the gall the arrogance for you to stand there trembling in your rage you TELL ME that I should be making my own decisions your decisions the clotted cord of your logic slips in my hands I see you turning away I watch you I can see your right eye eclipsed you lead with your left shoulder you turn away you won’t listen to anymore of this idiocy you tell my you spit and fluster it’s not going like you thought in your head in the car on the way back from work when you decided forcing a confrontation was your best possible option you turn away your hair swings out a pendulum you picture yourself whipping through the room the apartment the city like the wrath of some displaced god returned to find the earth spoiled in your absence and your send your demiurge sidekick to wipe the world clean again wood splinters glass shatters and you almost smile but you can’t smile because you’re shaking so hard you turn away your pupils holding back waiting wishing and I stand there trying not to scream you TELL ME? who are you to tell me anythingriding my every failure the terror the fucking shame and I keep thinking I can turn this around I can bring up some shift some turn of phrase but you turn away you turn away twitch you’re a fucking psycho I’m so sick of your bullshit you turn away the light shines in your eyes and I know you’re not going to start crying until you get in the car some stoplight half a mile away and you slam your open palms on the steering wheel the dashboard you’ll remember it wrong you tell me you remember everything wrong what gives you the right to change history to flatter your sympathies your shore-shallow symphonies your abstracted passions collected like change an exchange of your words for my time rented out you’ll laugh it off you’ll never remember you turn away you turn away you’re gone.
(12:09.05.19.2005) [/alpha] #