Thu, 19 May 2005

Via
When I was in the fourth grade, Kraft General Foods (maker of the fine line of Kool-Aid brand unsweetened soft drink mix products) began a contest open only to elementary school children. The school which sent in the most empty Kool-Aid packets would not only get a visit from the Kool-Aid Man, they’d also get to invent a new Kool-Aid flavor. We were industrious students at Washburn Elementary and through a citywide drive (from which our history lessons on mob control of organized crime came in super-handy, as we put pressure on grocery stores to “throw out” thousands of packets of perfectly good Kool-Aid, as well as undercutting other local elementary schools with threats of playground hits, and most importantly we ran the milk concession right out of town, forcing cafeterias citywide to switch over to “the powder”, as we called it, constantly mumbling “powder is power” in a oversugared haze) we sent in over two hundred eighty-seven thousand Kool-Aid packets. We won by a landslide.

After meeting the Kool-Aid Man (who basically ran up and down the hallways of our school screaming “Oh Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!”) we gave the president of Kraft General Foods our suggestion for the new Kool-Aid flavor, which was “pee”. The reason we found this so insufferably humorous was that somebody at Kraft General Foods was going to have to approximate the flavor of urine, which they could only do after sampling urine, and when you’re in elementary school getting grown-ups to drink pee is about as a coup as our brains could imagine.

The guy from Kraft told us to fuck off, gathered up the Kool-Aid Man (who was standing in the back, sipping fruit punch vodka from his hip flask and making time with the reading teacher, or at least trying to: “But I’m the Kool-Aid Man, bay-bee! I-yah Aym! Kool-Aid Mayn!”) and split straight outta Washburn, giving the prize so some pansy runner-up school full of defective trust-fund kids. And that’s how Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid was invented.
(12:11.05.19.2005) [/alpha] #