Thu, 19 May 2005

phone call from beyond the grave!
Lo the telephone is the most finely sharpened of all the Devil’s tools, for it allows even the most sanctified home to be contaminated by any force able to access Phonespace, of which there are many who now are tormented in Hell. It is long the morbid humor of the dead to inform the living via telephone of falsehoods as to the afterlife and what it shall eventually deliver to all peoples, a dispicable trait shared both on high and in the low, and so it was that on a morning when I was sorely incapacitated with gin poisoning I was foolhardy enough to cease the incessant mindless ringing of the telephone and so entered into conversation with something holding the bold claim of Daviditude, which is to say a voice bearing a formidable likeness to David who is no longer with us, which is to say the living. I herein recite what I was told not in the belief that it is true, but that in its falsehood it provides a series of clues as to the trickery involved so as to assist you, should such a call ever enter into your home, lord would it never be so! I was told that the afterlife smells like homemade scented candles and carpet freshener, and there are many magazines to read but not like upon the earth, and that it seems like maybe there’s a lamp with a pink lightbulb somewhere as everything has a certain fleshy haze but you can never figure out where it comes from. In the afterlife you are supposed to be assigned chores but no one does them and no one seems to mind. There is no need for to eat or drink, but occasionally you get a little thirsty, and then it goes away, and perhaps this is more to do with remembered habit than the actual demands of the body post body. It is possible to partake in intercourse, but it is approximately as pleasurable as finding a quarter on the floor. It is always a little too warm in the afterlife, and you never really have any privacy. You get to keep your car keys, but your car stays behind. Indeed, the afterlife is just like your living life, only more of a hassle. Be forwarned! All persons who call via the telephone to tell you of the world to come are not to be trusted! They are simply attempting to kill all the free time that not having to work or sleep or worry about appearances and the secret lives of celebrities has given them, a gift without use, and so they turn their misshapen mouths across the universe toward you! Pay them no mind! Hang up upon them and return to your drinking and carrying on! And don’t forget your ears! (ljcomments)
(12:13.05.19.2005) [/ana] #