Thu, 19 May 2005

to-do (one)

  1. For my thirtieth birthday a friend of mine gave me eight pounds of uncut heroin, which I guess was a thoughtful gift, but that’s way more heroin than I’m ever gonna need, so I got to selling it, but the only people I know are poor post-students or just plain poor people, so everybody’s wanting to buy heroin at like five dollar increments, and it’s going to take me decades to sell it all that way, and also my lifestyle doesn’t mesh with all these people coming over all the time and falling asleep under the deck so that I have to hit them with the hose and they start yelling about how they’re not going to buy any more of my heroin, which I mean so much for keeping a low profile. Thus I’m going to plant the remaining 7.8 pounds of heroin on my nemesis, and laugh as the police beat him into a stupor. Which brings me to
  2. Must aquire nemesis. Not as easy as it sounds. I’m very charming and friendly, and people naturally taking a liking to me unless I get all in a snit and chase them around town while whipping them with my belt and cursing them in the literal sense. Also I don’t much want some high-maintenence nemesis who will constantly be conspiring on my front lawn and calling me late at night with digitally manipulated recordings of conversations I have had with loved ones which make me sound like a tool. No! I want a nemesis entirely on my own terms, who maybe has a day job and some entertaining hobbies so that the months when I have no pressing need for nemesising until one day and then POW! he finds a big bag of heroin in his pants as the sirens grow louder and just as he realizes that he is now fundamentally doomed he picks up the phone to call his lawyer only there is no dial tone, there is only my voice, telling him that I am the winner! I am the winner!

(ljcomments)
(12:14.05.19.2005) [/ana] #