Thu, 31 Aug 2006

lights like broken like
it is not like riding a bike. whatever natural and effortless quality this act once held has now vanished, replaced with a brick by brick exhausted commitment, a head down trudge through every word and sentence. one and then the next and it seems so small, so much nothing, barely even a ping. i am still transmitting. i am still here. the interpersonal silt all washed away, the skeletons of old stories rubbed smooth and shiny, everything thin and brittle and familiar. left and then right and then. my friend seth told me during basic training he learned to sleep while marching, which seemed unbelievable, but i understand it now, you train the muscles to do something and then you go away. that is how it was. i would sit down and when i looked at the screen there it was, as if i didn’t do it at all. i was just a witness, it was not i who did those things. now nothing is instant, everything is an attempt, an effort, and i have never been good with effort.
(03:18.08.31.2006) [/scrytch] #