Thu, 19 May 2005

the days set before us
What would it take to change my life completely? I would have to change the shape of my body, as that’s where I store all my habits, and the core of how I see myself, less purpose than promise, filled with a well-nursed sloth like a middle-finger in the face of the cult of health and safety, my nemeses. But then I will have to give them up as well, won’t I, if I’m to change entirely; I’ll have to embrace the endless yammering idiocy of fad diets and a life without sugar and caffeine and fat, and I can wear that self-satisfied smile and convince stupid women to fuck me. Yes. This will be the new me, different in every attribute. I will give up reading, which has never given me anything but heartache, lacking the rigor of the scholar and the sweetness of the lightly-worn entertainment, and I will leave the internet, nothing but endless nights of empty conversations and unfinished crushes on women I’ll never once touch. I will leave this country like so much empty skin and walk through villages where the camera eye can’t reach me. I will know only what I can hold, and I will cradle this lie, as I have cradled every lie I have set before you over all these years for the hours until I finally sleep, and then I will sleep, and when I wake I will remember nothing, and do all the things I always do, forever.
(12:26.05.19.2005) [/scrytch] #