Sun, 22 May 2005

waiting for the conclusion
Today, reading old email and irc logs, I realized I really, really fucked something up in a way I didn’t even realize until now, years later, the damage too deep to fix, explaining the distance I feel between myself and someone I love, and I realize I fucked up and can’t make things right and at the end of the day I have one less friend than I thought I did, that bond actually being the sort of uncomfortable friendship you have with college friends you see once every few years, and not the endless knot of muscle and blood I thought it was, and I realize I have fucked things up far far greater than I believed, and I feel so ashamed at my own ignorance, my inability to see what was obvious to everyone else, and I can say that because I know the person in question will never read this, but I love you so much, you mean everything to me, you are the only person who I thought still cared about me, and I cannot let you go even if you have closed the door in my inattentive face years ago, I have fucked things up in ways I cannot even understand.
(08:15.05.22.2005) [/scrytch] #